All serious implications aside, do you know what is the worst part of being in a lockdown in India? I can literally hear you scream your lungs out, NO MAIDS! Gender no bar! (Remember Junior Bacchan saying, “Jo Biwi se kare pyar, woh bartan se kaise kare inkaar?!” Not the exact words but… Nevermind!)
Two things you already know:
- Fortunately or unfortunately, I am locked down with my Mamasaurus!
- I have been battling laziness since time unknown! (To get a background, you can click here & here.)
So basically a house with my mum in, is like rehab for lazy bummers! While she does most of the works, I can’t sit like a freeloader and hog on all the hog-worthy food she makes, right?! So I’ve to pitch in and even though I hate it, I have two responsibilities in the house now.
- Cutting, Chopping & assorted kitchen jobs. (Basically I’m her kitchen helper.)
- DOING THE FREAKING DISHES!
Dude! Doing the dishes SUCKS BAD! After years of watching people apply hand-cream on american sitcoms, I finally realized why they need it! My hands are all rough, dry and wrinkly! With my skin peeling out, it looks so hideous that my hand could star in and as ‘Khooni Panja’!…Okay…it’s not that bad….had to exaggerate a bit to get your attention and sympathy…( Apparently Amazon does not consider kitchen gloves to be an ‘essential item’ but high time it does!)
If I were doing the bartan business since childhood, I swear I would have rocked at math! Every time mum talks about cooking something fancy, my head starts doing complex calculations and then I arrive at the number of dishes I’ll have to do that day! The number makes me want to kiss my mum and ask her to KISS! (=Keep It Simple, Silly!)
Pro Tip: Stay away from complex recipes and just stick to the regular – no fuss ones! ‘Coz the formula is simple,
More effort in cooking = More number of vessels!
Technical Expertise Levels
So when you do something for a while, day in and day out, you tend to learn the right techniques to get the work done smoothly and then you go to more advanced levels. When it comes to ‘doing the dishes’ , you might become more proficient with each level but unfortunately, the pain remains the same!
There are six levels of ‘doing the dishes’ and as you go to advanced levels, your start feeling the cheap thrills! 💃💃💃
- When you start to do the dishes for a while, you have an epiphany that if you wash vessels right away after using them, it is easier to clean them! BUT THEN YOU FEEL YOU’VE LITERALLY BEEN CLEANING THE VESSELS ALL DAY!
- So then, you decide to do it just once a day so that you have to go through that pain and misery just once in a day! BUT THEN, EVEN IF YOU POUR WATER ON THEM, GETTING THE DRY SHIT OUT WILL MAKE YOU REMEMBER YOUR MATERNAL GRANDMOTHER! (who actually did the dishes for a family of 10, all by herself all her life…well, almost all her life!)
- Then you try finding a middle way out…you decide to do it twice a day which sounds like a reasonable thing to do. But then it becomes SO ROUTINE AND SO BORING that you get deeper… into the details!
- Now when you start washing the vessels, you start with the easier and cleaner ones first…plates, bowls, spoons….and save the burnt kadai with the subji, pressure cooker with rice sticking everywhere, mixer jars and the pan in which you kneaded the dough for the end. (AND HOW THE EFF DO YOU CLEAN THOSE BIG SIEVES! SO POINTLESS!)
- THEN SUDDENLY ONE FINE DAY YOU FEEL BRAVE! You do the bloody difficult ones first! So the easier ones would be easier to finish off …and there you go, straight to your ‘Happy Ending!’
- I believe I’m on sixth level currently! Now, I’m mixing things up just for fun once in a while when I feel like ‘Khatron ke Khiladi’! One spoon, one kadai, one plate, THE SIEVE, bring it on BITCH!😎 (Calling myself that! No one else! I swear!)
My Knight In Shining Armor!
So sweetheart, once in every while, dreams do come true! Like, on weekends Ram doesn’t have calls so he does the dishes! And I swear, I fall for him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME he holds that scotch bright in one hand, a burnt iron kadai in another and scrubs away to glory! It’s puppy love all over again!😍 I keep looking at him, all mesmerized, while *Tujhme rab dikhta haiiiii, yaraaa main kyaaaaa karuuuu* plays in the background!
(I so want to upload a picture of him doing the dishes, but the bugger isn’t letting me! Bloody control freak!)
In a very weird way, isn’t doing dishes like meditating? Eventually your body takes charge and does what it has to do while your mind can fly high like an eagle! (And think about when will Myntra deliver your summer dohar or Coffee Bean deliver your COVID vaccine! Okay, imagine this! WHO President announcing on world television: Good News! The ultimate COVID – 19 Vaccine has been found! And everyone who has made and consumed DALGONA COFFEE this season is immune to Corona Virus! Okay I’ll stop bullshitting….but how come WHO president gets to do it and I don’t! 😛 )
OH WAIT! The 7th Level!! 😲 Just like ‘Sambhog se Samadhi’, this is ‘Bartan se Meditation’! How cool is that, right?!😲
Alright!! It’s your turn! I’m super curious! Tell me, What level are you on?Are there anymore levels or feelings that you experienced while doing the dishes? (Or is there any easier way to do it? Or a way to completely escape it?)
Do let me know in the comments section! 😀
Also, STAY THE *UCK HOME! 😛
PC: Ankur Fotografia! (You’re a rockstar buddy! 😀 )