Kingdom ‘O Crap: Instagram’s Saree Obsession – Navels – Newton’s 3rd Law!

I have a superpower! If you know me in real or have been following my blog, you must have figured this thing out! I talk, appreciate & actually encourage NONSENSE big-time! Recently, I met my cousin after a while and she said that my last blog was like cheating my readers!

She expressed that when she comes to read my blogs, she expects total bullshit! Absolute nonsense! (Which truly makes sense coz otherwise she would be reading Chetan Bhagat, right?!) In my defense, I got paid to write sense in my last two blogs but looks like they probably realized my true potential…the buggers never contacted me again!

SO! Nonsense it is!

Note to cousin: Sweets, in this blog, I am going to compensate for all the sense I made in my last few blogs! And don’t blame me hon, you asked for it!

Well, how my “need to nonsense” got me talking about Instagram’s Saree obsession, navels, newton’s 3rd law and how I ended up being called as ‘unpredictable and creepy’? Welcome to my kingdom ‘o crap! πŸ˜€

Need to Nonsense!

My mother complains all the time that even after more than a decade of marriage, how come Ram & I have so much to talk ALL THE TIME! The fact is, that our banter is freaking endless coz there is no compulsion to make sense! We could literally laze around in bed, talking non stop nonsense for days, no kidding! And trust me, it’s more of him talking, I just have to poke a topic and he would go on and on! (In a way, he is my Guru!)

My mum’s right though, we are highly unproductive when put together! (Minus our crazy kids…lol…that reminds me of the line some stand-up comic said “mazak mazak me Razak hogaya!”)

And this sh*t is addictive, okay? I swear it’s not just me! Even a few of my friends say “Bahot din hogaye ‘bakwaas’ karke!” (Its been a while since we bullshat!) Well… actually they use a slightly different word but err…! So basically, bullshitting is a need coz being sensible is so overrated!

My Pride!

I love using words like ‘My cubs’, ‘My Pride’ and stuff like that coz my sun sign is Leo! (though I never use ‘My Lion’ for Ram coz he is a bull, a stubborn Taurean bull!) I’d like to believe that I’m a majestic royal being! (which is again a Leo trait…being narcissistic!) In fact, as a teenager my ‘wildest’ dream was to sleep with a lion…yup, I took the word quite literally I guess!

Coming back to crap, generally Ram satisfies most of my bullshitting needs but when he gets busy with work I am like Aamir khaan screaming “Tanhaaiiiii” in DCH! Over the years, I’ve found a few safe options; the people won’t request some specific asylum to pick me up for a free bicycle! (No kidding! In my hometown, we had some scheme long back! Bring in a patient who needs help and take home a free bicycle! @Ram, “Don’t worry bud, tere pe aisi hazaar cyclein kurbaan!” (Would sacrifice thousand such bicycles for you, Ramu!)

Plus, I’ve a great bunch of friends with who we have those awake-till-4-am parties and they are just the best! You can spew all the bullshit in the world and people around would not just put up with it but even appreciate it! Those are my favorites but such parties happen only once or twice a month! So to achieve my daily targets I’ve a fall back plan, a few SOS lines on my WhatsApp messenger!

Tanhaaaiiiiiii

Unfortunately, some time back I had to face times where ‘my bull’ was busy with work, my rotten cousin had gotten busy with his married life, American time zone came in between me and my whacky childhood bestie, my Bangalore-ki-crazy-GF was visiting her family in Chandigarh, my nutty high school classmate had shutdown at his workplace and the cuckoo but hot DJ friend had his fiancΓ©e visiting him from UK! (Ram wouldn’t agree on him being hot…but “MaH blOg, MaH drOoLZ”!)

With my pride being all busy, I was absolutely bored and suffocated with all the sense that I had to make in a day! So I did the next obvious, logical thing; I opened my Instagram’s message requests and responded to a guy who looked like a no nonsense person!

Well, not really indulging in self-praise, but boy! Do I have an eye for talent! By his profile, I could make out that he was into nature photography and was good at it! (Later, looking at his stories, I figured he was strongly opinionated and politically inclined too….follower of Aap party…but let’s not judge him on that!) I never saw his face coz his profile picture was an under water photo with his face covered with scuba diving glasses and mask! We’ll call him Big V!

Instagram’s Saree Obsession!

After a exchanging a few lines, I was sure that he was a decent combination of crazy and cool. But his craze was a little…let’s say…off…I don’t blame him though! It looks like there is an entire troupe of people on Instagram who are obsessed with Sarees! Seriously, what’s up with that?! You put a saree picture and you’d get a great number of likes than you normally do, especially men!

So at some point Big V sends me this picture of mine from my Instagram gallery and compares it with yet another (next) picture. For some reason, I thought he was pointing at how shabbily the Saree was draped in second one…so I clarified that in first picture my mum draped it for me and I wore it myself in the other. He was like “yeah! I figured…”, while I was still under the impression that he was mocking my draping skills!

The Navel Guy!

Then he sends me another picture where I’m with my friends at United way of Baroda’s Garba ground and says “You should wear it like that” pointing my friend’s ultra low waist ghaghra! Well, that’s when I realized what he was talking about…. THE ENTIRE FREAKING TIME!

Well, I’ve nothing against low waist ghaghras but the thing is I can’t wear them! I don’t like anything on my waist! That’s basically the reason I mostly wear dresses…which really has nothing to do with fashion or trends! Comfort is what a girl needs, right?! And recently I got a couple of ankle length, 3/4 sleeved, Sangria dresses! Voila! Freedom from epilating too! (On a side note, thank God high-waist pants are in vogue!)

But I can’t talk about things so personal with Big V, right? So, I take it easy…give him benefit of doubt…may be he is into fashion trends or something and jokingly ask him to check out other’s navels…I mean…other Instagram profiles and talk to them!

Interestingly, it was Navratri time and after I put up a few of these pictures on Instagram, the bugger actually buzzed to ‘Thank’ me for taking his advice! πŸ˜›

Newton’s 3rd law!

Well, we talked for a while and word ‘navel’ did pop a lot in conversation and someday when I asked “what’s up” he came up with “thinking about you and missing you!”…Well, that is when I told him that he was being creepy, clingy and it was scary!

For him, this came out of no where! On other hand, for me, reacting like that totally made sense! “Saat khoon maaf” type, I din’t bother with the first few big ones and then made a big deal of this one, just coz it was strike three or something! πŸ˜›

But my action had to have an equal and opposite reaction! Coz in the end, he was a sane guy with his self-respect placed right! He responded with, “it’s actually you who is unpredictable & creepy”! (Well, I have no qualms in being called unpredictable…but word creepy did hit me! On second thought…millennials probably say stuff like “thinking about you and missing you” JLT for fun without really meaning it!)

Life After!

That was the end of my adventure! I apologized for calling him names and gracefully ended the conversation! Major realization: I would have to limit my crappy conversations to only my close circle coz I figured it’s important to know each other well before bullshitting! (Thank God Big V was not into bicycles! Phew!)

So for now, I’m checking out other people’s nonsense & craziness! (Currently reading ‘Shopaholic & baby’ by Sophie Kinsella and just finished second season of ‘The end of the F***ing world!’)

Summing it up!

The worst part about the entire episode? You cannot even imagine! It wasn’t being called unpredictable and creepy by a total stranger but it is Ram, who more than often reminds me of it, by saying “Why did you stop talking to poor Big V?! He was a genius! He figured that you’re unpredictable and creepy in just a few conversations…I TOOK YEARS!”

Well, call it crap, bullshit, nonsense, bakwaas, bakch….err… whatever you like but it is really, really underrated! Nonstop nonsense is a reason behind many beautiful bonds and crazy fun times! It is an amazing stress buster and makes this entire planet a better place to live in! So please indulge! And if you don’t know much about the Art, then “Aao Kabhi Haveli Pe!” πŸ˜‰

P.S.: PLEASE DON’T BLOCK ME!

*Big V*: The name was changed to protect the privacy of the not-so-innocent! πŸ˜›

Okay, so here is a question for you! What do you like to read on my blog?

Your options are:

A. Sense

B. Nonsense

C. My nonsense makes sense to you!

Please let me know in the comments below so eventually I can write whatever I really want to! Coz “MaH BlOg MaH ChullS” πŸ˜›

Featured Image Courtsey: Ankur Fotografia