Body Thy Name Is Shame!

So If you’ve read my blogs or heard the previous High on Oomph episodes, you would know that I’m not big on serious stuff…I like it light, chilled and peppy! But it would be so wrong to project an image that nothing permeates my peace bubble! So I’ll go ahead and admit this! While I’m mostly unaffected by things that happen to me or what people say…there are times when it just does and there’s nothing I can do about it! While this  one is a very personal piece, the intention is to make it easier for someone else who is going through a similar thing!

Body Thy Name Is Shame

We’re all born with certain genes and those genes determine our body type.  While men took the high road, for they do all the important work, they left women to compete with the photoshopped images in the magazines.  Sure, some women went beyond the boundaries and shattered the mould! It really doesn’t matter how a woman CEO of a company looks…she is a freaking badass! Period! (It would be stupid to take names…kills the entire purpose of writing this blog!) But normal women like us…knowingly or unknowingly, consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously, forcefully or on our own bloody merit try and fit into that ‘ideal’ body/figure/weight!

Skinny Bitch

I was skinny all my life and sure once in a while someone would comment on how skinny I am or how tiny I am! (Short is a word that I don’t prefer to be called but the fact remains.) Thankfully, I was surrounded by people who loved and appreciated me way too much and honestly, I was too happy-go-lucky a person to care!

Fat Cow

Well, pregnancy and childbirth is a miracle on its own and someone commented on my then fresh Facebook DP, “We never thought fat would enter your body. But nature has always surprised humans. ”  I replied saying, “One of the motherhood miracles!” It did not hurt me or I did not feel bad because the fact, again remained. I had gained weight and I was chubby! (Fat is again a word I would not like to use!) On a different note, do you find it funny that even after literally more than a decade of posting that FB Profile pic, I still remember that particular comment? You’re right. These things always overstay their welcome.

NOW

I’m a realist and a proud one at that! I can take a jab, a joke…heck, I can take shit when I know the shit is real, without feeling offended! Having said that, I never thought that I am in a condition to be body shamed as of NOW! I’m neither chubby nor exactly skinny! And trust me, I’ve worked hard for it, however inconsistently, but I did and that is the reason I look what I look like!

That Night

So one fine night, at a party, a friend took a jab and I took it easy. Then she cracked a joke and I joked back. Commenting, joking, leg pulling and then it went to downright insulting. The things she said, I was dumbstruck. Shell shocked to react or respond. Probably for the first time in my life, I felt ashamed for looking the way I do! After a while, the topic changed and people moved on but I did not. I could not.

It stayed with me! The stuff she said. It hurt me bad. I was in denial for two days and the third day, I cracked! I hugged Ram, howled and cried saying, “Why did God make me like this?” He hugged me back, kissed and caressed but he too did not have the right words to comfort me. Fact is, he too was shaken by her words and looking at me cry isn’t exactly easy for him. It took me five days to move on a bit and 10 long months for me to write about it! I had to make sure I was in my right mind before I put it out there coz I wanted to be rational and not bitter or vengeful.

Coming months were all about looking at bigshot actresses on TV and saying, “She too has a body like me!” Ram too would say that showing me pictures/videos of fit women in hope of making me feel good about myself. Funnily, it was not exactly a moment that I realized that I was over it but months of living with a fantastically healthy body, to appreciate and thank God for making me the way he did!

Blame Game

Do I blame the friend for hurting me? As a matter of fact, no, I don’t!  It was my own insecurity that hurt me. But I do blame myself for letting her go on.  I should have stopped her right there, when I had started feeling a little uncomfortable. Experience sure is the best teacher, isn’t it? So when it happened at another party, this time to a friend, I stopped the person right there. While I know that no one has any ill intentions to hurt anyone, but the fact again is they were making her feel uncomfortable and I could see it on her face.

When I finally found some time alone with the friend, I told her that I’m sorry for what the other person said and I know the person very well! They were just kidding and didn’t mean anything bad. My friend curated her words something like this…She said, “While I totally understand that they were kidding, they know only a tiny bit about me and rest they don’t! They don’t know if I’m extremely sensitive about the things they said!” God it hit me hard! 🙂

Fixing each other’s Crown!

That is when I told her about how I went through a similar thing and how I took a long time to overcome it and be happy with myself again! Then what she said to me, was an eye opener! (If I write what she said, it again kills the purpose of writing this blog!) But Gowsh, I’ve no right whatsoever to blame God for making me like this! And I don’t!)

Looking back, isn’t this exactly what your girls do for you? 🙂 They love you, cheer for you and appreciate you for everything you are without any conditions and no matter what size or shape or color you come in!  And don’t get me wrong, the person who I felt, said hurtful things to me, is my girl too and forever going to be because I’m sure she too is fighting a battle!

Just Different!

While fighting our own insecurities and defending our own bodies in our heads, knowingly or unknowingly we might end up appraising others’! We do end up comparing, don’t we? I’m ‘this’ but at least I’m not ‘that’! Feel free to replace ‘this’ and ‘that’ with your favorite words! I’m fat but at least I’ve a butt! OR I’m skinny but at least I can eat whatever I want! Get the drift?

Sure hon, keep saying anything you wish to make yourself feel better and loving your own body but let’s not treat ourselves like a balance sheet full of pluses and minuses! To love yourself, you don’t have to judge others! Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone to accept that we are ‘different’? It takes just two seconds to comment on someone’s body and degrade them but a lifetime to abstain. Take that in.

Confrontation

I’m not big on confrontations, I’d rather avoid the talk and so I did. It sure came to my mind to talk it out and say that it was not cool, whatever they did…but did not seem like a worthwhile option.  It would be easiest to shrug it off with, “Oh God! I was just joking! Never thought it would hurt you! And I’m so sorry if I did it!” And then I would be the spoilt sport who cannot take a joke!

Fact is, don’t you think we already know how we look? We all crinkle our noses looking at the mirror! So pointing it out or commenting isn’t really helping anyone! We’re all struggling with body image issues, we all feel we have less of this and more of that or how awesome would it be to have more of that and less of this!  Blame it all on social conditioning, but we are never going to be enough…

until the day we decide to be.

Struggle it is!

There are innumerable reasons why a body would change; pregnancy, menopause, stress, depression, thyroid…heck, laziness even! (I battle laziness and God knows the struggle is real! Sure, go ahead and call it an excuse to not do shit or a luxury that a privileged person has but the fact is, it is stopping me from achieving what I can! LOL Imagine being a villain in your own story! But let’s save that story for another day! )

Honestly, I was able to get sleeker because I love taking care of my body, nourishing it and keeping it fit! But it did not happen in a day! It was years of doing the right thing, even if it was on and off! I’ve love hate relationship with the Gym…sometimes I hate going and feel terrible for the fact that I’ve NO CHOICE but to continue…if I want to live a healthy life!  And if I cannot go for a while coz of travel or bad health, I miss it bad!

Same goes with food, sometimes I’m 100% in control of what I eat and sometimes I just don’t care and eat like no tomorrow! It is always a struggle!) Just like you did not get hooked to green tea in a day…it takes time to fall in love with working out or eating right! And I’m still struggling and have a LONG way to go…

Winding Up

But eventually it is a choice, shedding kilos, gaining kilos or maintaining kilos.  And the choice has to be respected, without any reservations or conditions. While it is easy to see what is in front of you, let’s go a bit deeper! The world is changing, so should we!

If this resonates with you, do share it with all your girls, let’s make this world a happier place to live in! And do let me know in the comment sections what you feel about this! Would love to know! 🙂

Did not want to dilute the content with forcefully pushing my pictures in between! So doing it in now! 😛